Musings of a Disconcerted Mind

I ended up praying the Liturgy of the Hours tonight, something that I used to do daily but stopped doing because of time, laziness, etc. It was very calming, and something that I genuinely miss doing.

One of the knocks against Catholics (or Christians in general) is that we have lost the fine art of spiritual meditation. Prayer is more joy, noise, and song rather than ascetic oneness with God.

Simplicity over jubilation I suppose. What many people miss is the tradition of meditation we have in the Catholic faith. On the Eucharist, on the mysteries of the rosary, in prayer, and even during the Mass. Simplicity and mediation are critical features in Christian theology, and beyond the excitement of what has become American spirituality there is a very simple spirit behind it all – a simplicity that is quite pleasant to mediate upon.

Why am I writing about this? In all honesty, I am at a discernment period as to whether or not I should run for Spotsylvania GOP Chairman. At this point I am committed, so the term “discernment” may seem misleading. But it’s not. Catholic seminarians for instance are all but committed to the priesthood, but in their becoming priests, they appropriately call the process discernment. It’s the method and searching for the appropriate call to ministry. So in terms of running for the seat, “discernment” is almost a way of finding out what God exactly wants me to do with the charge given.

I have come to several conclusions. First, I have run for party offices before. Every time I ran, I always felt the urge to run because I wanted to be in the forefront of the fight. Do my best, give my all, hold the liberals by the nose and kick them in the rear. When I made my bid for City Council in 2002, I had the same go-get-em attitude that someone had to take on the establishment. When I took the Fredericksburg City GOP Chairman position shortly thereafter, I wanted the position in order to build (nay, rebuild) the GOP in Fredericksburg – a mission I felt we had some degree of success in doing.

Something feels different this time. It’s almost as if the Spotsy GOP Chairman spot came to me without me seeking the position. Folks on the committee shaking hands and saying, “Hey Shaun, you need to run for chairman next year,” and such. The winks, the nods, the attaboys. To some small degree, my time as a panelist with Rappahannock Review has done me well, as the extemporaneous nature of the show has displayed some of my better talents for healthy and good natured debate. In short, I have impressed people.

Folks are walking up to me with this confidence and they are genuinely impressed with me as a person, and that both humbles and bothers me.

It’s humbling for sure because I really don’t think of myself as any different than the others on the committee. Sure other folks are older, some more conservative, others less. But by and large if you get them in a room we all say the same things with the same degree of conviction.

What bothers me then? Two things – the responsibility and the faith. Before, I was taking the bull by the horns and forcing the issue so to speak. I wanted to get a Teenage Republicans group started in high school. I wanted to be Vice Chairman in Spotsylvania. I wanted to be involved in the College Republicans. I wanted to start the Fredericksburg Young Republicans. I wanted to run for City Council. I wanted to become Fredericksburg GOP Chairman.

Now they want me to run for Spotsy GOP Chair. No more I. They.

I was happy writing white papers and working on LSAT material and thesis work. Happy being the conservative commentator. Happy to write the op-eds in the Free Lance-Star. Happy to have the bullseye reassigned and be the critic. Now they want me to lead. That’s astonishing, because for all of the titles prior to, I never recognized that by picking up the standard that I was looked upon as someone to lead.

The battle lines are being drawn up along the same old factions. Instead of being the cheerleader, I’m the guy in charge. Nothing to build ’cause it’s already there. No issues to conjure up because they too are already there. No need to get familiarized – these people know who I am and what I stand for.

So it’s all on me, but in a different way. And this time, it matters whether or not I win or lose.

You know, you always think of yourself as one day being an effective leader for change. Forget any talk of ambition and glory-seeking and all that nonsense – that’s not what this is about. This is one of those scenarios where it matters, where you are the first line of defense and people are looking to you for leadership, encouragement, fire, and determination.

So why am I so scared? Have you ever sat down at a job, or done a project, and felt that flutter in your heart where you know you are doing something you were meant to do? Well, here I am, face to face with what I was meant to do, and enjoying it. This is my vocation, right here, to build this party and make things happen for the better. To find pro-life candidates who are unafraid because we are behind them. To fight the good fight and keep the property tax off the backs of those who can least afford to pay them. To protect the 2nd Amendment. All I want to do is do my duty well.

So that is why I started out by turning to God. Thanking him for making me a tool (a worthless one, but a tool for Him nonetheless) and begging for Him to use me as He pleases – not as I please. Twenty-five years, eight years of discernment coming to a conclusion.

And the hard work hasn’t even begun! Strange thing is, I’m looking forward to it. It’s almost as if I was on a roller coaster and getting terribly impatient for the first hill. . . and now I’m in the front car hanging over just waiting for the momentum to shift. And it is in a most terrible way, your heart leaps to your throat and. . . well, the ride begins.

Sorry for the long post here, thank you for making it this far if you have. I’m sure that there are a few who will love to pour over the psychobabble for future gain, but I don’t particularly care. If I did, I probably wouldn’t have the website up!