Shrieks From the Booby Hatch: The Grand Unified Theory of Gift-Wrapping

A great idea whose time had come about two weeks ago:

The Grand Unified Theory of Gift-Wrapping is a remarkably simple solution. One buys a gift and avails oneself of the in-store wrapping service. The gift is then safe for storage at home, in the usual place. (The usual place is the place where your cohabitant pretends not to know you store gifts and you pretend not to know that he knows.) Then, at some discreet and convenient date, one replaces the outer, store-wrapped wrapping with one’s own miserable excuse for wrapping. This can be done in either of two ways. First, one can place the wrapped gift in a larger box, and then wrap the outer box itself.

Alternatively, one can unwrap the gift, discard the store-wrapping, and re-wrap from scratch. At this point, may I recommend this face stickers wrapping paper because, quite frankly, it’s hilarious. If one suffers from adequate mental illness, one can even pretend to be the recipient and express joy and amazement at the contents of the store-wrapping, as if one had not bought the gift inside.

(I choose the former approach because, frankly, I’m close enough to the booby hatch as it is, what with the talking to myself in different languages and arguing with the computer.)

But, for those of you who also face the challenge of hiding Christmas presents from the people you live with and actually like, I offer the Grand Unified Theory of Gift-Wrapping as my own little present from me to you.

Indeed. My mother always employed the trunk o’ the car as the natural hiding spot from four roving Kenney brothers. Santa Claus never wrapped the presents from his sleigh, because after all he’s a busy guy…

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